Monday, December 15, 2008

Exercise, the Exodus from Stupidity’s Soldiers & Booty Calls Gone Wrong

Comedian Ron White once said that “you can’t fix stupid.” Boy was he on the money with that statement. I have picked up running lately and unlike most folks, I enjoy it much more when running without an iPod or a watch on. At first I thought it was because I like to be in touch with nature and sh*t, but I realized that’s a load of bull because I wouldn’t go camping with any you motherf*ckers if you paid me. I digress.

I like running with no iPod and no watch because it means that I’m completely out of touch with the rest of the world. That is a great thing because unfortunately, stupid people exist in the world and they can procreate and get driver’s licenses (not to mention get jobs at my company and get elected President).

The same goes for lifting weights at the gym, I like going there with no iPod but this theory had a hole poked in it this morning when I saw an ex-jumpoff at the gym, whom I conveniently avoided…she probably saw me and probably knows I saw her too…oh well.

While I’m working out or running that means I am completely inaccessible to the stupid people that I run across all too often. I can already hear you saying, “Carver, who are these bumbling idiots you speak of?” Well my friend, they come in many shapes, sizes, and colors. We’ll just talk about those I have recently come across.

In an effort to tie this in to the unsexies I blogged about previously I’ll talk about a recent altercation I had with a Bumbler, but first here’s a recap on what a Bumbler is: 

The Bumbler - "Bumblers are first you may think they are thinking about you, and so much so that it makes them awkward. In fact, they are only thinking of themselves...their worry is usually contagious."

In all of her self-consciousness, she completely ignored the rules of engagement for a “booty-call” this was a....Booty-Call Gone Wrong 

Of course with any good story, there’s plenty of background info, but for this story’s purpose, it’s not important.

**warning** Please put your metaphor hat on tightly. You may now continue reading. If you see quotation marks, put your mind in the gutter. Thank you for your time and attention. 

Ok, so I am minding my own business on a Friday night, as any young gentleman should. Late in the evening I get into a very flirtatious convo with a young lady whom I haven’t seen in awhile. This young lady requests my presence at her abode in the late night hour of this rainy Friday night/Saturday morning. I oblige.

Prior to my departure I gather as much info about the “scope of work” that will be required for this visit. We’ll call this “engaging in negotiations.” I find out that a “meeting of the minds” is preferred, an initiative that I fully endorse because who doesn’t love a woman with a “good head” on her shoulders? 


Mind you this is the same woman who during our first encounter took it upon herself to tell me the kind of “service” she wanted during the “pre-game warm up”…I politely informed her not to tell the Chef how to season his dishes unless she wanted to cook herself. This is yet another example of women turning favors into chores (more on this ubiquitous phenomenon in a later blog). 

Moving on. 

I arrive in the place to be and things and the previously discussed actions begin to occur. At the point where it is time for me to “sit back and enjoy the show”, I’m thinking that someone like her who is so adamant about this endeavor should be able to “dish it as well as she can take it, right?” I mean if you’re homeboy talks about basketball all the time, it’s only natural to think that he’s a hooper.


The “show” was horrible. I was disappointed to the point of anger. However, I kept my composure and kept it moving…one monkey don’t stop no show. But now I am solely focused on “reaching the finale” and fleeing the scene. 

I finally arrive at the finale. I’m glad that I reached my destination, but mad about the “traffic on the way”. She goes to the bathroom for a moment only to return to me fully clothed. This triggers a puzzled look on her face. She inquires about what I’m doing and I tell her that I’m returning to headquarters because I have to go running with a friend in the morning. Since the length of the “work day” was not discussed I feel that it is my right as an American citizen to leave after both parties have “upheld their ends of the agreement.” She doesn’t take my departure so kindly and begins to debate the issue. 

The grounds for her argument are that this “friend” of mine must be a female and that my early departure is rude and inconsiderate. I retort that I cannot depart early if there’s no timetable established and that this friend of mine is quite the opposite of a female and is actually a 6’5” Nigerian and that I only used the term “friend” because she didn’t know this person. Logically this should have cleared everything up, but alas, logic is useless when dealing with most women. Who knew? Lol. 

From this point the following dialogue happens at the front door:

Me: *politely* would you grab my jacket from your closet?
Her: *comes back with my jacket and throws it on the couch near me very rudely*
Me: Aww, don’t be like that. I really didn’t know you wanted me to stay, if I did I would have let you know my plans to run in the morning
Her: *Evil Black Woman Stare while opening the door for me*
Me: *shrugs shoulders, smiles, then begins to exit*
Her: *grabs the back of my jacket in an impolite manner*
Me: *yank myself (and jacket) from her grasp auristocratically while walking to my car*

The End

Now, ladies and gentleman of the jury, I ask you. Am I the crazy one in this story?




suga said...

I can't even answer that question because 5 years ago, "she" would have been me (minus the bad performance).

I'll just say that you're the funny one in this story.

And us women do have logic. It's just a different type of logic lol

no_vacancy said...

a haiku:
men: and their sweet tooth
they think they want the cookie
so they break the jar.

Michael said...

LMAO @ 6'5 Nigerian.

I think you showed an admirable level of restraint given the audacity of said booty call. If you enter into proper negotiations at the outset, and there is no clause stating that you have to remain for the night, then you should be able to leave as you please after the services in the original contract are rendered.

Plus, the best part of away games is that you can leave when you please. You don't have to go through the awkward "maybe-you-should-leave" gyrations when she overstays her welcome.

Cornell Westside said...

@ suga

"I'll just say that you're the funny one in this story."

Please elaborate, inquiring minds wanna know.

Blackberry Molasses/The Rebel Intellectual said...

There were multiple flagrant fouls committed by Team A during this exchange that led to a poor outcome.

1) Lack of an iron clad 'contract'-- Team A had no legal back up and therefore no recourse, leaving Team B with the option to do whatever Tean B wanted

2) Lack of bringing the A Game*. There is no excuse (outside of still having your V Card) for poor performance and lack of enthusiasm regarding relations. The Commission has an extensive and publicly available library of books, tapes, and youtube to help with the rigorous training required
*aside: understand that sometimes a JO is not worthy of the A game. However, YOU ARE. Bring it for your own sake. And the sake of continued encounters

3)Failure to give as good as you get. Reciprocity is one of the things missing in the world today. Therefore, Team A sux.

4)Improper coaching technique. The commission espouses the understanding that all Team A members are not the same and what works for one may not work for another. However, there is a right way and a wrong way to assist Team B members in accomplishing the goals Team A is seeking out.

5) Flagrant misuse of interpersonal relations
Given that Team A and Team B do not regularly play on the same court, questioning members of Team B on their comings and goings on the court is not allowed. Excessive and unwarranted familiarity breeds exceptional levels of contempt.

This has been a message from the President and Cheif Playgirl of the Commission for Interpersonal Relations. Fines will be determined by the commission and assessed in due time.

Thank you.

Alvin said...

Hell no you are not crazy! Listen, women ALWAYS putting too much emotion into things and but they will deny that tooth and nail. We aren't mind readers and the quicker chicks get on our level, makin' it plain, the better off we'll be. Don't complicate yo life!!

suga said...


"Now, ladies and gentleman of the jury, I ask you. Am I the crazy one in this story?"

Well, I'm hesitating on calling the girl crazy because I would be calling myself, or the old me, crazy, plus I see her "logic" in the sitcheeashun and since I refuse to incriminate myself, I'm going to have to go on and say the chic isn't crazy.

And I don't want to call you the crazy one because this is your blog and I dont want to get a hand chop to the back of the neck. That's what I do to people who call me crazy in my own blog.

So instead of calling anyone crazy, I looked at the most positive attribute displayed in this blog. It was hilarious...hence you being the funny one in this story.

Get it? :)