Tuesday, March 17, 2009


Since early 2008, I have been filling my psychological and social voids in superficial ways to no avail. My life lacks the companionship and intimacy needed for reaching the apex of Maslow’s Triangle. I am trying to fill these voids by drowning myself in a sea of pointless pussy. Word to Californication.

We all have our ups and downs, smiles and frowns. We later find out that every thing is make believe. I have had my downs and now it’s time to get up. When you’re at the bottom, the only way to go is up.

With the help of my close friends, a new job offer, and the enticing potential of the hoasis of women with whoreganizing opportunities that await my arrival to the ATL, I will soon say, HE HAS RISEN out of this rut…but only ‘cause Cornell Westside likes to rhyme in third person.

Living in 5 cities within a 3 year span has taught me a lot. I have figured out what comes natural to me and more importantly, I have learned what comes natural to other people and how to pry that out of them.

In particular, I have been influenced by 3 people in my life whom are more than my friends; they are my brothers, my therapists, and my mentors.

Shaq: you have taught me, by actions more than words, that Nike had it right all along. Just Do It. I wish you infinite success in the world of start-up companies, stomach viruses, rolled r’s and water you can’t drink.

Kobe: Pluto, relevance, and doing what’s comes natural to you. Need I say more? Remembering those tenants of life will not only get anyone as far as they want to go in life, but farther than one can ever imagine. And I can’t forget that I was introduced to the occult art of “pulling the rug out from under her” by you. “Sometimes you just gotta show nuccas…cause sometimes you gotta do stuff for the story and not the principle.”

Coach Phil: From you, I’ve learned to “intellectualize my problems”, “put myself in the situations where I’ll be most effective”, “ride the first horse” [pause], and last but not least to “go f*ck Oprah” when the situation calls for it. Kevin Federline is the American Dream!

I just wanted to thanks and shyt. I just got a one-way ticket out of a bad situation by being offered a promotion in a recession, a nucca is supposed to get emotional.

Ok, now that I got that out the way, let’s get back to our regularly scheduled ignorance.


P.S. I learned today that before you delete that crazy chick’s number from your phone, you should write it down somewhere in case she sends you an invitation back to HELL (read: random text message) months later.

Friday, February 20, 2009


Over the years, we’ve all been asked the infamous question, “do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?” If you are like me and answer “hell no, I’m single as a dollar bill” or “Girlfriend? I’m allergic to those *hachoo!*” then it usually leads to a perplexed look and the follow-up question: “Mr. Westside, in all of your wonderousness, fantasticality, and sovereign rulership of the universe, how could you possibly not have girlfriend?”

For me, the answer is simple: Women are crazy.

Yeah I said it! And I meant it. Ok, ok, ok…I’m just serious…

Me personally, I have many reasons as to why I’m still single. The least of them being, I highly doubt I could be entirely faithful to one woman right now so why bother with trying to be faithful only to either end up embarking on a grandiose conquest of the aesthetic, callipygian vixens of the world, or simply wishing I was. I’ll save her the heartbreak and onslaught of insecurity that follows. Ladies, you're welcome and shyt.

Important women in my past have told me they feel that they “won’t be enough for me” and for years I tried to ease their discomfort by retorting with reasons opposing this, but I think they might have been on to something.

Sometimes I just want the option of going out of town on business and smashing the random cute chick I met at the hotel bar. This is definitely not an option when you have a girlfriend. However, it is quite fun and I highly recommend it…if you have the option of course.

Think about it, whenever you travel somewhere your best stories are always the ones that involve some type of conquest of the opposite sex. I’m not ready to part with that aspect of my life just yet. Besides that, I have yet to go to Miami and/or Brazil. And according to rule #1906 of Cornell Westside’s Code of Conduct for Consistent Coitus, I must visit these establishments prior to taking any young lady seriously.

As hard as it is for women to believe, dealing with other chicks actually makes like our main chick even more. It’s human nature to compare things; we do it in all aspects of life.
“The entrĂ©e ain’t as good without something on the side.” – Fabolous on Can’t Let You Go

I’ll give you an analogous experience from my life.

I travel a lot with my job and have to drive rental cars often. Now even though my car is 2004 and the rentals are 08s and 09s, I still love coming home and driving my car and prefer it over the new models. I think my car is better and there’s no logical argument that will sway me otherwise. However, when I come home from a business trip, I haven’t broken any rule of exclusivity by driving another car. In fact, I began to love my car even more after I had something to compare it to. Now I look forward traveling just so I can enjoy the moment of returning to my car.

“Keep It Simple Stupid” - Unknown
In my simplemindedness approach to life, I find a methodology that works and apply it to every aspect of life. Thus, the same logic I use to make a big purchase i.e. car, house, etc. is the same logic I use in finding a woman to be in a relationship with.

So, to continue with the car analogy…

If you study what people with lots of money do, you can see the basal nature of humans. Most of us are constrained by money so we can’t do or say what we really want because we don’t have enough money to get away with it. Notice that people with money usually have more than one car (and heavily indulge in drugs…later for that though). They have different cars for different occasions.

“The relationship you have with your car isn’t so different from your other relationships.” – Kate Walsh, Cadillac CTS Commercial
It’s something you see and rely on everyday; you spend a good chunk of your income on it. Ultimately it is a representation of who you are. Doesn’t your “real” relationship have similar attributes?

Thus, my simplemindedness being at the root of this, if I can afford to have more than one car, why can’t I have more than one woman if I can afford it? In the Old Testament many of the Kings had multiple wives. God (and society) was cool with it, why can’t you?

And yes, I know someone needs to pray for me, so please go right ahead. You can start now…don’t worry, I’ll wait.

The logical flaw in all this is that most women want to be your favorite AND your only. This is impossible. Favorite implies choice, only doesn’t. See the problem?

So even though I am probably ready to find one woman and be satisfied with coitus and companionship from her for eternity, I just don’t like the way it sounds and am not ready to sequester my option to emulate Wilt Chamberlain. Maybe I’m the crazy one…actually it’s not a maybe.

I haven’t even touched upon the fact that in America “No One Respects the Ring” – Coach Phil, but I’ll save that one for another day and another time.

For now, tell me if you’re for or against monogamous relationships, why or why not?