Wednesday, August 27, 2008

An Ode to Jump-Offs

Imagine….a little boy watching cartoons in the living room; his mother in the kitchen baking a cake. When the cake is ready for oven insertion and the little boy has been behaving himself, he may be fortunate enough for his mother to call him into the kitchen and….

Yup, you guessed it. Lick the spoon.

Well my Negro friends, this proverbial licking of the spoon, is exactly what a jump-off is. What am I talking about? Follow me and I’ll explain further…

Now let’s say that
1) jump-off = licking the spoon
2) wifey = the cake

***most women lose me right about….NOW***

If the little boy sits in the living room watching cartoons and smelling cake for hours on end, when he finally sits down at the table for cake, he’s gonna be hungry as sh*t and probably overindulge because his tastebuds have been festering by smelling cake and not eating for a long time (read: drought).

However, if he gets to lick the spoon in the interim, then he will get to appease his tastebuds just enough to not be overwhelmed by hunger, but still enjoy the cake when he sits down to eat. Thus, not overindulging in the goodeness of said cake and exercising patience…

Let’s be honest. EVERY kid loves to lick the spoon. Unless you’re diabetic, or allergic to cake, then you like it…don’t lie to yourself.

So, what does a jump-off do? A jump off helps you approach relationships with a clear mind. For us guys, we can now go out to clubs, go on dates, etc, without sex as the foundation of your motives. You ever notice how girls always want a guy when he has a girlfriend? Well, the reason is that women can sense when you’re not trying to offer them d*ck. Since every guy they have met since they were 13 has been doing this, they are confused and perplexed when a guy does the opposite. Having a jump-off will give you this effect, guilt-free.

So, to the jump-offs of the world, I want to say thank you. I understand the persecution you endure and wanted to let you know that your hard work and intermittent emotional discomfort is truly appreciated. We salute you!

If you find yourself in the jump-off zone, do not fret. Simply understand that you are a role player on the team, and that although you may not get all the attention, the championship ring cannot be won without your input. You are Robert Horry, Steve Kerr, Bruce Bowen, David Tyree, an Offensive Lineman….and we love you very much from the depths of our loins.

Ladies, embrace the possibility that ‘the guy you’re really feeling’ has a jump-off. You benefit from this. His jump-off will keep him from thinking with the wrong head around you. This will get him to actually court you instead of finding creative ways to get his meat in your taco. You should buy her a drink.

Friday, August 22, 2008

8 Unsexy Personalities That Have Been Stifling Human Reproduction Since Medieval Times

Anti-Seduction...the anti-Christ, the anti-friend, the anti-kooter (for guys), the anti-cuddle (for girls)....we all have things about us that tend to keep us unlaid, undated, and lonely...However some of us are completely unaware of these traits.

Well, being the benevolent servant of the community that I am, (read: pompous a**hole that loves to tell people that they should change their entire thought process and follow my words like your Grandma follows The Bible) I decided to help everyone out and give you my view of some subtle things that should probably be stricken from that wonderful personality of yours (and mine).

Now that person you just went on a date with, or that person you've been sleeping with on the weekends can stop wasting precious daytime minutes to vent about your crazy a** to their cohorts.

Inspired by the book Art of Seduction, written by Robert Greene, particularly the section about Anti-Seducers, I decided to start a series that I'd like to call "Kill Yourself. Resurrect. Kill Yourself Again." A little dramatic, I know, but I'm really trying to get a point across. If you follow these guidelines, or at least give them a bit of thought before your next post-coital conversation, you can help make the world a safer place.

**disclaimer** I might not actually finish the entire series because I have ADD (sans Ritalin). I haven't had a girlfriend in damn near 3 years. I consistently either A) do something stupid to make women vehemently hate me OR B) just end up talking to crazy a** what do I really know?

So without further adieu I present Cornell Westside's synopsis of Robert Greene's 8 Anti-Seducers aka 8 Unsexy Personalities That Have Been Stifling Human Reproduction Since Medieval Times. Each one will get it's own posting...this is just a maxi single.

The Brute - "...they are concerned only with their own pleasure, never with yours...assuming you are so interested in them you have no reason to wait."

The Suffocator - "they fall in love with you before you are even aware of their be so admired may give a momentary boost to your ego, but deep in side you sense that their intense emotions are not related to anything you have done."

The Moralizer - "...These are people who follow fixed ideas and try to make you bend to their standards...they want to change you...they endlessly criticize and judge...they're mental rigidity may also be accompanied by a physical stiffness"

The Tightwad - "Cheapness signals more than a problem with money. It is a sign of something constricted in a person's character...they actually imagine that when they give someone some paltry crumb, they are being generous...YOU are probably cheaper than YOU think"

The Bumbler - "Bumblers are first you may think they are thinking about you, and so much so that it makes them awkward. In fact, they are only thinking of themselves...their worry is usually contagious."

The Windbag - "People who talk a lot often talk about themselves. They have never acquired that inner voice that wonders, Am I boring you? To be a Windbag is to have a deep-rooted selfishness. Never interrupt or argue with these types--that only fuels their windbaggery."

The Reactor - "Reactors are far too sensitive, not to you but to their own egos. They comb your every word and action for signs of a slight to their vanity...They are prone to whining and complaining...Test them by telling a gentle joke or story at their expense; we should all be able to laugh at ourselves a little, but the Reactor cannot."

The Vulgarian - "Vulgarians are inattentive to the details...their clothes are tasteless by any standard--and in their actions: they do not know that it is sometimes better to control oneself and refuse to give in to one's impulses. Vulgarians will blab, saying anything in public...Indiscretion is a sure sign of the Vulgarian (talking to others of your affair, for example)."

If you know anyone with these traits, or have them yourself...Kill Yourself. Resurrect. Kill Yourself Again.

El Fin

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Idle Hands do the Devil's Work

Well, well, well...I finally made it. I have a blogspot page. I have been journaling at least 3 or 4 times a week for about a year now and finally, I'm so tired of reading about myself that I decided to torture you blokes with it. Consider yourself lucky.

Enough about what I've been doing, let's get down to biz.

To put it plain and simple, I'm bored. Life in the real world is rather boring. It's hard to find things to naturally spice it up since the only things I am "required" to do (go to work and pay bills) are the Audobon to monotony...routine...repetitive...boring. I don't do well when there's nothing for me to do. As you're about to find out.

You're probably saying, 'why don't you go back to school'? But honestly, I'm tired of school. However, the one thing I do miss about school is that you had some path to follow, a goal to achieve, and then a reward at the end of it all. In this life, not so much. I need for others to try to impose structure on me because then I have rules...and then I can break the rules (I like to break stuff).

Every single day, I wake up, go to work, go work out, come home, chill, then go to sleep and start the process all over again. Sprinkle a bit of courtship with the aesthetic pleasures of the Philadelphia Metropolitan Area (read: kooter chasing) and basketball...and you have my life in a nutshell.

For some strange reason my subconscious decided that the only way to spend my leisure time was to chase kooter. I can't seem to shake the urge no matter what I do. It has become rooted in my every action. The music I listen to, the books I read, the shows I watch, the friends I hang all seems to revolve one thing; ways to get more kooter.

Now there's nothing wrong with kooter itself, it's actually quite wonderful (and delicious). It creates babies, dramatic situations, schizophrenia, orgasms, and porn. All things that we find quite intriguing...don't lie to yourself.

Newton's 1st Law of Motion, The Law of Intertia: A) An object that is not moving will not move until a net force acts upon it. B) An object that is in motion will not change its velocity until a net force acts upon it.

I have tried to do a myriad of things to "change velocity" but nothing has worked. I have a few new ideas to rid me of this lovely (read: horrible) addiction. However, I have to wait for those things to come to fruition (damn those service organizations that stop doing sh*t in the summertime)...and as you'll soon read about in future blog, I don't do well at waiting for anything...I guess I'll have to get over that. As they say, "patience is a virtue."

I say FCUK PATIENCE!...just kidding...only if she's cute...never mind, bad joke...what am I talking about?

On the bright side, I'm going to see Patrice O'Neal (dyke punching, anyone?) at the Helium Comedy Club tonight and there's a happy hour after work, so I can drink and/or laugh the pain away until I get home this month I should be cured, but until then I'll share my thoughts on the proverbial therapy couch known as this blog.

Thank you for your time and attention. Cornell Westside aka Carver G Woodson, signing off.

P.S....don't worry, I'll actually get around to talking something OTHER than myself...but I had to start somewhere....who needs therapy when you just blog your problems away.