Friday, August 22, 2008

8 Unsexy Personalities That Have Been Stifling Human Reproduction Since Medieval Times

Anti-Seduction...the anti-Christ, the anti-friend, the anti-kooter (for guys), the anti-cuddle (for girls)....we all have things about us that tend to keep us unlaid, undated, and lonely...However some of us are completely unaware of these traits.

Well, being the benevolent servant of the community that I am, (read: pompous a**hole that loves to tell people that they should change their entire thought process and follow my words like your Grandma follows The Bible) I decided to help everyone out and give you my view of some subtle things that should probably be stricken from that wonderful personality of yours (and mine).

Now that person you just went on a date with, or that person you've been sleeping with on the weekends can stop wasting precious daytime minutes to vent about your crazy a** to their cohorts.

Inspired by the book Art of Seduction, written by Robert Greene, particularly the section about Anti-Seducers, I decided to start a series that I'd like to call "Kill Yourself. Resurrect. Kill Yourself Again." A little dramatic, I know, but I'm really trying to get a point across. If you follow these guidelines, or at least give them a bit of thought before your next post-coital conversation, you can help make the world a safer place.

**disclaimer** I might not actually finish the entire series because I have ADD (sans Ritalin). I haven't had a girlfriend in damn near 3 years. I consistently either A) do something stupid to make women vehemently hate me OR B) just end up talking to crazy a** what do I really know?

So without further adieu I present Cornell Westside's synopsis of Robert Greene's 8 Anti-Seducers aka 8 Unsexy Personalities That Have Been Stifling Human Reproduction Since Medieval Times. Each one will get it's own posting...this is just a maxi single.

The Brute - "...they are concerned only with their own pleasure, never with yours...assuming you are so interested in them you have no reason to wait."

The Suffocator - "they fall in love with you before you are even aware of their be so admired may give a momentary boost to your ego, but deep in side you sense that their intense emotions are not related to anything you have done."

The Moralizer - "...These are people who follow fixed ideas and try to make you bend to their standards...they want to change you...they endlessly criticize and judge...they're mental rigidity may also be accompanied by a physical stiffness"

The Tightwad - "Cheapness signals more than a problem with money. It is a sign of something constricted in a person's character...they actually imagine that when they give someone some paltry crumb, they are being generous...YOU are probably cheaper than YOU think"

The Bumbler - "Bumblers are first you may think they are thinking about you, and so much so that it makes them awkward. In fact, they are only thinking of themselves...their worry is usually contagious."

The Windbag - "People who talk a lot often talk about themselves. They have never acquired that inner voice that wonders, Am I boring you? To be a Windbag is to have a deep-rooted selfishness. Never interrupt or argue with these types--that only fuels their windbaggery."

The Reactor - "Reactors are far too sensitive, not to you but to their own egos. They comb your every word and action for signs of a slight to their vanity...They are prone to whining and complaining...Test them by telling a gentle joke or story at their expense; we should all be able to laugh at ourselves a little, but the Reactor cannot."

The Vulgarian - "Vulgarians are inattentive to the details...their clothes are tasteless by any standard--and in their actions: they do not know that it is sometimes better to control oneself and refuse to give in to one's impulses. Vulgarians will blab, saying anything in public...Indiscretion is a sure sign of the Vulgarian (talking to others of your affair, for example)."

If you know anyone with these traits, or have them yourself...Kill Yourself. Resurrect. Kill Yourself Again.

El Fin


Jae said...

Good stuff. I hope you finish the series. Although, I know I never would/could. I guess we all have a little ADD in us.

Anonymous said...

I ran into a windbag this weekend...and he wonders why I didn't give him my number.

GOODENess said...

Cornell! you have provided a very useful litmus test for shullbit! thanks to your blog I was able to eliminate a windbag...a brute...and the one that does the stuff with the thing...guess you're not the only one with ADHD...hooked on Westide worked for me!

Cornell Westside said...

I am working on parts 1 and 2 of the series, I will wait til I am inspired by a sour encounter with one of these unfortunate individuals...

...thank you for your time and attention