Wednesday, August 27, 2008

An Ode to Jump-Offs

Imagine….a little boy watching cartoons in the living room; his mother in the kitchen baking a cake. When the cake is ready for oven insertion and the little boy has been behaving himself, he may be fortunate enough for his mother to call him into the kitchen and….

Yup, you guessed it. Lick the spoon.

Well my Negro friends, this proverbial licking of the spoon, is exactly what a jump-off is. What am I talking about? Follow me and I’ll explain further…

Now let’s say that
1) jump-off = licking the spoon
2) wifey = the cake

***most women lose me right about….NOW***

If the little boy sits in the living room watching cartoons and smelling cake for hours on end, when he finally sits down at the table for cake, he’s gonna be hungry as sh*t and probably overindulge because his tastebuds have been festering by smelling cake and not eating for a long time (read: drought).

However, if he gets to lick the spoon in the interim, then he will get to appease his tastebuds just enough to not be overwhelmed by hunger, but still enjoy the cake when he sits down to eat. Thus, not overindulging in the goodeness of said cake and exercising patience…

Let’s be honest. EVERY kid loves to lick the spoon. Unless you’re diabetic, or allergic to cake, then you like it…don’t lie to yourself.

So, what does a jump-off do? A jump off helps you approach relationships with a clear mind. For us guys, we can now go out to clubs, go on dates, etc, without sex as the foundation of your motives. You ever notice how girls always want a guy when he has a girlfriend? Well, the reason is that women can sense when you’re not trying to offer them d*ck. Since every guy they have met since they were 13 has been doing this, they are confused and perplexed when a guy does the opposite. Having a jump-off will give you this effect, guilt-free.

So, to the jump-offs of the world, I want to say thank you. I understand the persecution you endure and wanted to let you know that your hard work and intermittent emotional discomfort is truly appreciated. We salute you!

If you find yourself in the jump-off zone, do not fret. Simply understand that you are a role player on the team, and that although you may not get all the attention, the championship ring cannot be won without your input. You are Robert Horry, Steve Kerr, Bruce Bowen, David Tyree, an Offensive Lineman….and we love you very much from the depths of our loins.

Ladies, embrace the possibility that ‘the guy you’re really feeling’ has a jump-off. You benefit from this. His jump-off will keep him from thinking with the wrong head around you. This will get him to actually court you instead of finding creative ways to get his meat in your taco. You should buy her a drink.

5 comments:

GOODENess said...

first of all let me type it...with this, you've earned it...I E-LOVE YOU!! lol...

"Ladies, embrace the possibility that ‘the guy you’re really feeling’ has a jump-off. You benefit from this. His jump-off will keep him from thinking with the wrong head around you. This will get him to actually court you instead of finding creative ways to get his meat in your taco. You should buy her a drink."

I don't support thirsty b*tches, but I can appreciate the sentiment...lol

I am a believer in this theory...jump-offs also keep you from accidentally boning a crazy (wo)man that seemed cool at first, but develops a post-coital obsession and is now sitting in the lobby at your job reading a newspaper with eye holes in it...or runs down the street after your truck, barefoot and crying...LMAO

but I digress...it's like self-pleasure before a big date so you take the s3xual edge off and focus on the actual getting-to-know-you-ness of the date!

LUVITMANE

Cornell Westside said...

"I don't support thirsty b*tches"
can someone say 'T-SHIRT'? Lol

Monk said...

I concur Mr. Westside. Jump-offs ROCK!!

Great analogy with the spoon licking also. Young Monk, however, not only licked the spoon, but ran my fingers across the mixing bowl and licked the shyt clean.

I thought the cake was done a couple of times, don't it was false alarms so until I KNOW it's done, nothing's wrong with licking the spoon (or the bowl).

Cornell Westside said...

"Monk, however, not only licked the spoon, but ran my fingers across the mixing bowl and licked the shyt clean."

such a candid statement, how can you not respect such honesty? lol

...and I agree, jump offs rock. It only seems logical to start the building blocks of your squad with one or two of those.

Miss Mahogany said...

Stumbled through by way of VSB

DEAD @ this:
If you find yourself in the jump-off zone, do not fret. Simply understand that you are a role player on the team, and that although you may not get all the attention, the championship ring cannot be won without your input. You are Robert Horry, Steve Kerr, Bruce Bowen, David Tyree, an Offensive Lineman….and we love you very much from the depths of our loins.


In fact I am going to have to use this damn qoute. LMAO

Funny Post :)